News Flash – God can now “drive out the inhabitants of the valley”, BECAUSE of their “Chariots of Iron”

Judges 1:19 And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.

While trying to “Spread the Word of Reason” this Sunday, June 6^th, outside the New Covenant Presbyterian Church of Mandeville, 4375 Highway 22, in Mandeville, Louisiana, god cast me out because I have a ‘car’.

As always, I was approached by the Louisiana police and told that my car was parked illegally. This time I was “inhibiting the flow of traffic” by “blocking the driveway”. I was actually parked in the entry road of the First American Bank parking lot… on Sunday? There wasn’t actually a “flow” or even “traffic” as I never saw anyone pass me.

I asked the police officers that maybe the reason they were there wasn’t anything at all to do with my “parking violation”, but maybe it had just a little bit to do with the message? Of course, they denied it. I asked them if they were just passing by and saw me “parked illegally” and they said no. They did tell me that someone had called in to make the complaint. (Hmm? In the interest of science, I think I’ll park my wife’s car in the exact same place and see how many minutes; hours; days; weeks; it takes for someone to make a complaint.) After coaxing them further by implying that they weren’t really being honest with me or even themselves, they put an end to the conversation by telling me that “they were not here to debate with me”. Oh well.

I’ve therefore had a revelation that maybe, after a couple of thousand years, god’s figured out how to drive out the inhabitants of the valley even though they have a chariot of iron. Therefore, next time I’m going to just sit there on an aluminum fold out chair holding my sign. Hopefully god hasn’t figured out how to drive out chairs of aluminum. Even though he knows how to drive out the First Amendment.

Every single church I’ve been ‘godless evangelizing’ outside seems to suddenly have a fascination with safe parking! I knew religion was obsessed with other issues such as, say, sexual oppression. “Problems” such as homosexuality, sex before marriage, non-missionary position, contraception as opposed to abstinence only education, circumcision, and masturbation. But this obsession with ‘parking safety’ is a new one for me.